Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Leg Rainbows

Me complaining: "Guys are always just after some tail."
Guy friend: "I know. It stinks. But you can't blame us... We are just after the pot of gold at the end of the leg rainbows."
Me: LOL!!! x 100

Thursday, April 21, 2011

It's a Coke addiction...

Dear Kid in the Drive Thru taking my Gorgeous American dollars at Burger King,

You make me want to slit my wrists and write a beautiful, poetic suicide note when I get a DIET coke instead of the amazing, magic carmel, high fructose corn syrup and phosphoric acid drink I so prefer.  My mouth waters as I wait at the window for the pimply, barely pubescent kid that works with you to just hand me my coke.  He reaches his chubby hand out the window and hands me my delicious, sweet, bubbling beverage. As my lip quivers... I take a sip and... IT'S DIET... that sorry, tasteless, sad little drink.

I really hate to be a complainer since I'm not sure if Pimples will spit in my burger next time or not.  And after all, I'm eating a Whopper made of kangaroo meat lard and only the finest mayonnaise, all totalling about a Duodecillion calories that would be sure to cause heart failure in a very large, male Rhinoceros.  But GAWD is it good!!

So please, please...  don't ruin my euphoric foody ride with a DIET coke...  it's such a non sequitur... 

Send my love to Whopper,


Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Second blog opening up...

So, call me crazy again but I am going to attempt maintaining two blogs.  Yes, I know, you all care so deeply, haha, but I feel like I am just all over the place with this one, and I really want to hone in on the offensive jokes in this blog, specifically my own goofy drawings and comics and stories of people at Walmart and Catholic jokes, Jewish jokes, whatever seems to offend people...  And the other one will be for my second personality that likes art and music and inspirational quotes and finding myself and all that shite.  There are really two, very independent people inside my head, and they both deserve an equal voice.  Who am I to stop my sensitive side?  And who am I to allow the sensitive and somewhat mushy "finding myself" crap to interfere with THIS?  This magnificent blog that seems to be offending all of my Catholic friends who can't take a joke, and Mormons now...  soon it will be the Jews, and you Buddhists out there...  you aren't safe either...  just wait...  you all will have your day... then Muslims... Pagans...

So if anyone else out there happens to have two brains inside their head named Thelma and Louise and would like to read my inspirational huggy, lovey, quotey, creative writing, photography, quality art crap too, follow me at:


Thelma will thank you!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Mormons, ponies and Michael Jackson

So I couldn't come up with a good Creeper or Stalker comic, because really, they just weren't funny.  I actually do have a Stalker, and I really was creeped out.  But everyone likes a pony right?

Okay, so here is the point where I'm about to make fun of another religion besides Catholicism, and I stop for a split second and wonder...  nope, not really... I'm going to just make fun of them.

I'm sure you have all seen Sister Wives.  Yikes.  That's a whole big bundle of happy Creepy Mormon I don't even know what to say to that kind of show.  As my single disclaimer here, I honestly have only seen a couple episodes, but I truly believe that was enough.  Actually it was too much.  I'm going to jump on my soap box here and ask, at what point in our society did we start glamorizing the freaks?  Was it Michael Jackson?  Sarah Palin?  Whitney and Bobby?  Adolf Hitler?  Tom Cruise?

I have actually had many different friends from different faiths, even Mormons.  Don't tell my dad.  But I still MUST ask, why the hell do we have such a fascination with the religious CRAZIES?  And WHY are we giving them thousands of dollars to do reality television, which as we all know, is a super accurate representation of reality?  I mean I am completely certain that Cody from sister wives is really the best husband ever.  Mmmm I want some of that!  I love it when my significant other has 3 other significant others that he equally treats like crap.  That's the life for me.  We could live a romantic life all crammed in a box with our 46 inbred children and pretend like we don't completely resent each other for sleeping with my/your/her husband every 4th night in the rotation.  That guys got it good.  Scheduled sex EVERY night, and 4 lovelies to choose from.  What do you suppose the conversation would be like if someone suddenly got an STD?

So now that I have spewed my opinion about Mormons out there and offended some more people, it's time for a joke.  Maybe you've heard this one, but I hadn't.  It involves my two favorite religions.  So read it.

The Cardinal goes running into the holy father's office and is quite beside himself.  "Holy Father, Holy Father!"

"What is it my son?" the Pope asks.

"I have some good news and some bad news.  Which would you like to hear first?"

"The good news," responds the Holy Father.

The Cardinal says, "Okay, the good news is that the Lord Jesus has returned as He promised!"

"Alleluia!! Praise be to God!" says the Holy Father.  "What's the bad news?"

The Cardinal responds, "He's in Salt Lake City."


Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Let's talk "Stalkers" and men in green tights

Okay, so there seems to be a point in every one's blog where they talk about Stalkers (Yes, I capitalized "Stalkers" on purpose).  I'm just sayin'...  I thought that today would be a good day for this discussion since I seem to have this habit of acquiring them.  Not the young cute type either...  If I had young and cute Stalkers, I really wouldn't be so concerned.  You're cute?  You're creepy?  Whatever.  It's not such a big deal, for whatever reason.  Even if a young person is a TOTAL CREEP, the stereotype is less harsh (Of course this is not based upon facts AT ALL.  I'm pretty sure that there are just as many young serial killers out there as there are old and creepy ones...).  But, do I get these kind of Stalkers? NO.  A BIG, FAT, RESOUNDING...  NO.  I seem to get the - I am an emotionally retarded 60+ year old man that cannot pick up on social cues kind of Stalker.  The type that totally misreads my polite "I feel sorry for you because you are so socially inept" conversation as "Oh God I love you..."

Now, granted, I am using the term "Stalker" very loosely here, but anyone that thinks a 29 year old female would be interested in a 60 year old with no money is just dreamin'.  And I'm no gold digger...  But sheesh, you gotta have something going for you if you're going to hit on me with THAT big of an age gap...

DON'T GET ME WRONG, I am not in the least bit flattered by this attention.  If anything, it is QUITE disconcerting, leaving me wondering, "What in the HELL did I say to give you THAT impression?!"  I am beginning to wonder if it is ME that is the social retard and cannot seem to communicate to certain people politeness, without giving the impression of "I really want your old and wrinkly body."  I would truly suck at being a waitress that knows how to get tips by flirting because I would just acquire Stalkers like flies on llama shit, and I wouldn't know what the hell to do about it.

Again, don't get me wrong... I want to find someone and grow old with them and all that happy horse shit just like everybody else.  I just don't want to have to wipe my husband's ass prematurely...  like in five to ten years kind of prematurely...  AGAIN, if I was say, Batman's wife and he tragically fell off the bat mobile backwards while goofing around with Robin in his gay-tights and became a paraplegic, I'm sure I would be happy to wipe his ass and brush his dentures, but it's just different when you already know you are signing up for this.  Am I way off base here?  Anyone?  I'm just sayin'... (and I have absolutely nothing against men that wear tights, especially green ones)

Honestly, the creepers that really get me, are the ones that are MARRIED.  I mean HELLO!  Get a grip dude! Not only do you own stocks in adult diaper companies, but you have baggage and you want me to help you cheat on your devoted old lady in your green tight-wearing fantasy.

Okay, okay so I will stop bashing on old and wrinkly, denture clacking, "I need my ass wiped for me in five years" men that hit on significantly younger women now...  But who do they think I am?  Anna Nicole Smith?  I'm not even blond...

I feel a CREEPER COMIC coming on...

Monday, April 11, 2011

Ever have one of those days?

Supposedly, God has a great sense of humor... and I seem to be the butt of all his jokes...

By Danielle Coffey

Friday, April 8, 2011

Congressional wisdom, the oxymoron

Dear Congress, Last year I mismanaged my funds and this year I cannot decide on a budget. Until I have come to a unified decision that fits all of my needs and interests, I will have to shut down my checkbook and will no longer be able to pay my taxes. I'm sure you'll understand. Thank you very much for setting an example we can all follow. Sincerely, Danielle    (facebook post I stole from a friend)

comic by Danielle Coffey

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

oozy nugget walmarche comics and mutant strawberries

These do in fact belong to me.  Refer back to previous posts on this blog for the back story here...  Original drawings by Danielle Coffey.  Thanks!

So this comic I drew out on sketch paper first, scanned it in and then added some color to it with a really stellar program similar to "paint," but I actually like the effect.  It was on a larger sheet of paper so I couldn't quite scan in everything on my standard sized scanner.  It's missing the meaty beef nugget oozy chunks I had off to the side at the checkout counter, but you get the idea.  I just sort of blocked in some background color, but I thought it was amusing enough.

And of course here we have the mutant strawberries from Japan.  I honestly don't even know if I spelled Konichi-Wa correctly, so this is sure to offend someone...  I used the same method, sketch first, scan, then add color with my super professional program.  WOW I should be a graphic designer!!  (Total sarcasm there in case you didn't notice)  Obviously, I am not well versed in drawing programs or photoshop.  I prefer to do things the organic way, or the ol' pick up a pencil and sketch it out way...  I'm old skool.

Anyhow, I hope you enjoy these comics as much as I laughed my ass off while drawing them...