Thursday, April 21, 2011

It's a Coke addiction...

Dear Kid in the Drive Thru taking my Gorgeous American dollars at Burger King,

You make me want to slit my wrists and write a beautiful, poetic suicide note when I get a DIET coke instead of the amazing, magic carmel, high fructose corn syrup and phosphoric acid drink I so prefer.  My mouth waters as I wait at the window for the pimply, barely pubescent kid that works with you to just hand me my coke.  He reaches his chubby hand out the window and hands me my delicious, sweet, bubbling beverage. As my lip quivers... I take a sip and... IT'S DIET... that sorry, tasteless, sad little drink.

I really hate to be a complainer since I'm not sure if Pimples will spit in my burger next time or not.  And after all, I'm eating a Whopper made of kangaroo meat lard and only the finest mayonnaise, all totalling about a Duodecillion calories that would be sure to cause heart failure in a very large, male Rhinoceros.  But GAWD is it good!!

So please, please...  don't ruin my euphoric foody ride with a DIET coke...  it's such a non sequitur... 

Send my love to Whopper,



  1. Ok, I really like the Cherubs that are rolling their eyes at me! Makes me feel at home actually as Cherubs used to do that regularly when I'd suggest things like plagues of dung beetles instead of locusts and rivers that turned to Diet Coke instead of blood, because we both know that Diet Coke is worse!

  2. Haha! Nice! Two votes for REAL coke! ;)

    I actually think dung beetles are a better idea as well... I mean, heck, there would be a lot less poop in the world right? Can't argue with that.

  3. This is funny! I can't stand diet drinks (except unsweetened tea, which is my drink of choice) and I love whoppers but man, are they loaded in calories. A few months ago, I was having health problems and learned that I am now (in my early 50s) a type 1 diabetic. I haven't had a soft drink yet, but I didn't given up beer!

  4. Yeah, that kind of food is SOOOO bad but ssssoooooooo good!! ;) I think I would cry myself to sleep every night if I had to completely give up coke and whoppers. I could cut back, but to give them up would be very difficult for me!