Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I won't pass on that aggression... because you think you are superior...

So have I ever mentioned that I can't frigging stand passive aggressiveness??  Now of course, I'm guilty of it all the time, but what I can't stand is when other people do it.  Actually, I sort of feel gross when I do passive aggressive things, but obviously I just don't care enough to stop.

You know the kind of thing I'm talking about.  It's like that guy at work that picks his nose when he thinks no one is looking and that you swear steals chips out of your chip bag when you leave for a meeting but you aren't sure, so you can't outright blame him for it, but you swear he does it just to make you second guess your own sanity.  Or when your girlfriend purposefully leaves that glob of toothpaste in the sink but claims she can't see it when she takes her contacts out.  And you lie awake tossing and turning and wondering if she does it just because you pissed her off by leaving your dirty socks all balled up in the laundry so she has to touch all that "stinky" to unball them.  Passive aggressiveness can come in many forms and those are just a couple examples.  (C'mon, you know you've done things like that before... be honest...  Jebus knows the truth...)

Tonight I did something passive aggressive and I'm actually quite proud of it.  Once again, the @ssholes that like to hog the laundry room were taking up two machines again.  But the really stupid thing this time was that they decided to utilize two dryers at once, while my clothes sat in the washing machine, still wet.  They happened to beat me in there by about ten minutes and stuffed a huge sleeping bag in the dryer I would have used. 

Now, I've mentioned this situation in a previous blog post, but did I mention that I absolutely have no tolerance what-so-ever, not even an itsy bitsy smudge of tolerance for self-centered people that do things like hog two dryers so that I can't get my already washed clothes dry in a timely manner??  Nothing in this world pisses me off more than inconsideration like that.  Seriously.  These people are always the ones in traffic that zoom by you in the right lane, knowing full well that the right lane ends and they need to merge into the left, but they "pretend" they didn't realize the lane was ending and cut in front of you at the last second and clog up traffic!  These people may as well just wear a sign that says, "I feel that I am a superior human being.  Therefore I will cut in front of you and use the first dryer available, even if it's your turn because I deserve it."  Just like traffic laws that prohibit passing on the right or cutting people off, they should make it illegal to hog two machines in ANY laundromat across the entire nation.  Make it a federal law.

I would like to take a fog horn and stand outside on the front porch of these people's apartment at 3am and blab to the world how inconsiderate they are... and that they must have their heads inserted so far up their @sses that they are in serious need of an expert proctologist to reverse their craniumupglutimous syndrome.  And then I would like to hang a neon sign in their window that reads "inconsiderate pricks that like to wear pink tutus live here and drive gay little cars."  But alas, I cannot do that. 

So, I resorted to leaving a peeved off nasty note.  I REALLY wanted to write an entire letter stating how I could assist them in removing their lovely heads from their spectacular arses and how I could help them to gain understanding and consideration of their fellow man by tying them to a tree upside down, shaving them bald, and beating them for hours with bags of rotten fish heads, but unfortunately my sticky notes just weren't big enough.  I had to write something like this:

"Thanks for hogging both dryers.  I love staying up late.  U-R-RUDE!"

Pretty tame really.  I'm proud of myself for keeping those thoughts in my head that needed to stay in my head.  I could have written a note about how I would like to leave a flaming bag of dog shit for them every year, every day, for the rest of their lives!!!  I will find them!!  I will egg their houses!!!  I will...  okay I guess you get the picture.

So here I am...  up late...  blogging away while my laundry dries.  I threw the sleeping bag out of the dryer when it was finished and didn't even fold it up for them!  HA!  Take THAT!  I just tossed it on the counter in a wrinkled heap!  How's that for passive aggressive?!

Friday, September 9, 2011

Ponies, Aliens and a happy dance.

So, I admit, I haven't posted much at all the last couple of months...  okay three months...  and I doubt that anyone noticed...  but honestly I've been a little shaky on my humor confidence lately.  I get online all the time and check out you people's lovely HILARIOUS blogs and I just feel inadequate!!  Gosh darn it!  Why can't I be funny all the time?!

But at the risk of having a mini meltdown here, let's all recite together that Richard Simmons or was it Gene Simmons chant or whatever pony man it was that said it:

"I am beautiful!  I am successful!  And gosh darn it, people like me!"  (now prance like a little pony that stepped in a beehive... that's right, Tippy toe!  Tippy toe!  Now smack your own a...  okay maybe that's going overboard...)

I don't usually give a shout out to other blogs, just because I'm not famous enough for anyone to actually read this and for the blogs to get any benefit from me plugging them, but today I would like to take the opportunity to give a shout out to Little White Lion.  Find them on facebook.  Funniest Beotches I've come across in for-ev-er.  Okay, maybe not forever, but like...  a long time.  Click below for some gut wrenching laughter.  Seriously.  Do it.  NOW.  Do it...  and then come back to my blog and make me feel better about myself.

(ten years later)  Okay, you done with them?  Right.  Back to me.

So I had this INSANE (that may be melodramatic, but I'm trying to get you excited here, so bear with me) dream the other night that I got abducted by aliens.  No seriously, I'm not kidding.  Okay so it's not an original theme, but what can I say?  I went to bed, and the next thing I knew my Dad and I were chopping wood in the backyard (don't ask...  I have no idea why) and this big fancy dark grey flying saucer lands in the backyard!  Dad shrugged his shoulders and said, "Oh yeah, okay," and went back to work like it was nothing.  As I'm having a major aorta-ripping heart attack in the backyard (and Dad is acting all cavalier), the flying saucer busted open like a transformer, and opened up into this mushroom looking thing with piping and steam and all the corny stuff you see in the movies, but it's really the fantastic movie in my head!

Now I know what you're thinking here, what is the big freaking deal right?  The average person believes that they've been abducted by aliens while chopping wood all the time.  And you're thinking, "C'mon cornball, get to the punchline so I can get back to my beer and pretzels..." and quite frankly there is no punchline.  I just wanted to tell you about my freaky dream, so shut up and keep reading (please and thank you).

I woke up at this point.  Ava had fallen asleep in my bed and was kicking me.  I promptly shoved her over to the far side of the bed and went back to sleep.  Now this rarely happens to me, but occasionally I can go right back into the same dream, and this time I did.  Who wouldn't want to miss out on the mushroom-shaped alien spacecraft, right?  Hell yeah.  I wanted to see what happens next.  This shit is better than cowboys and aliens or whatever other crap Hollywood is spewing out at the moment.

So I fell back to sleep and slipped back into the dream.  I was back standing in the yard below the giant mushroom alien thing in seconds.  At some point in the dream my kids got taken away by the aliens and I had to go inside the mushroom ship and rescue them from the aliens.  I started to figure out that they were only abducting "really smart" people like doctors and lawyers and that's why I didn't really get abducted.  Their plan seemed to be that they were going to steal all the knowledge of the human race from these so-called smart people and figure out how to take over the planet, the greedy bastards.  Too bad the jokes on them, cause we all know, Doctors and Lawyers don't know shit most of the time.  I digress, but how many times have you been to the doctor for a mysterious "rash" and he shakes his head, shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, these things happen all the time.  It could be any number of things.  Try baby-powder in your undies and buy another brand of lotion.  That'll be 300 bucks please."  And I'm thinking, "Really?  I paid 300 bucks for you to tell me to powder my ass when I could be dying of flesh eating herpes?"

Back to the aliens.  Their ship was made of this really soft metal that apparently could be bent all over the place like salty play-dough, and I managed to rip my screaming rugrats out of the ship through a tiny opening that was not even humanly possible to pass through even for a two-year-old, but alas, this is a dream and anything can happen as you "wood-chopping" folks have figured out.  I woke up several times in a cold sweat and fell back to sleep, knowing that I had to fight the aliens to the bitter end to rescue all the overpriced doctors and lawyers in the world so that we could continue to be a miserable penniless human race.

Towards the wee hours of the morning, I realized that my alarm was about to go off and I had managed to rip apart the alien ship.  I stood victorious over the smart-people-stealing villains (apparently they had stolen several hundred other people).  All was right with the world.  And I swear, I was not on drugs.

Have you ever woken up after a dream, or perhaps in the middle of the night and you think you've had a brilliant thought, so you write it down?  That was how I woke up this morning.  I thought to myself as I heard the buzzing of my alarm, "Man!  I need to turn this dream into a book!  Even better, I'll write a really long and pointless blog about it!"  Well of course now that I am sitting at my computer with my mental faculties fully awake, I realize that this was a very stupid idea.  And because you decided to read this blog all the way through, dear reader(s), you get the pleasure of knowing that I am doing a happy dance for you right now.  (I'm doing it, you just can't see it.  It resembles a pony that stepped in a beehive.  Tippy toe!  Tippy toe!)  And you can do a happy dance of your own choosing (but preferably involving some ass slapping) because this blog is OVER!!  Now go kick some alien butt in your own fantastic dreams!!  And a quick thanks to Samael for always nagging me to write more...  even when I don't feel "funny."  ;)