Monday, May 23, 2011

Matchy matchy matchmaker and the quest for online love...

So, I apologize, it's been way too long since I blogged a funny blog.  I have been ever so crazy busy (keyword "crazy"), but I have had some time to squeeze in some online dating.  Yes, I said it, online dating.

I admit, I have been VERY judgemental about this particular pastime.  I thought it was mostly for creeps, geeks, and the socially inept.... and it is....  myself included, and I am neither a geek or socially inept.

I have been pretty open about the fact that I am a baby-mama of two gorgeous rugrats, and so organic dating has been a bit of a difficulty, since I can't seem to get out anywhere without a kids menu and a playground in very close proximity.  My diet mostly consists of dino-nuggets and maybe a bud light lime when I can sneak it (it's a developed taste and only the most discerning pallets can appreciate it's subtle flavor - don't judge a mother).  Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining.  Being a mom is very fulfilling, but...  there are times when I would like to string the little sweety-sweetums up by their toenails and have a night out to let my very short hair down and get sassy, ya know?

So I decided to start slow and try the free trials.  Well of course, they are "free" for a reason, there's really no point to them.  So I finally forked over the dough for one month on  And WOWEE...

Now, my little disclaimer, there are truly a lot of lovely people doing the non-organic thing these days, but there are still those creepy ones!!  And as we already know, I've got a THING for attracting the CREEPIES!!  Wooohooo!!  Yep, I built the bridge, and they came running. 

If any of you have been on match before, you know that you can send winks.  Well I like to wink, so I was sending out winks right and left having a gay ol' time, until I realized that meant that I was inviting mass emails.  Before I knew it I had 800+ profile views and about 150 emails in a week.  I was receiving messages from the genuine baby-daddy to the "hey you wanna hang and get you drank on" which I received from a 22 year old "navy seal" (which is slang for "I'm too young and stupid so I'm pretty much a douche bag") (absolutely no offense to the beautiful brave men and women that defend our country, but when it comes to dating, a lot of you military folks quite frankly and literally suck).  I am 29 with two children.  I let him know that I didn't think this was an "appropriate" match.  Nothing personal...  Well that's not true...  it was personal.  I don't date outside my species.  But you get the idea.  I wish that it were legal to post some of these profiles on here.  And I might find a way to do it....  Cause there are some DOOZIES out there!

I'm sure I already sound like a judgemental beotch,  but seriously, wouldn't you think that if you had some trouble with spelling, that you might at least have a friend proofread it for you?  There was about 25% of the profiles that drove me up the wall for just horrid spelling, and I'm no grammar nazi either.  And seriously, put a picture up that isn't TOTALLY grainy!!  That is just so creepy-obvious.  We already know you're not good looking, just OWN it and rock it!!  Make your username "Fuglydude12345" or something like that.  If you were good looking or at least had money, you WOULDN'T BE ON MATCH!!!  You would have hundreds of gorgeous play bunny types knocking on your door and begging you to be their baby-daddy... especially if you have money.  That's another point, usernames.  YIKES.

But the real crux of this story I find pretty hilarious.  In my search for the poor fool, oops I mean search for my soul mate and all that crap, I discovered 4... count 'em 4 people that I WORK WITH!!!!  Granted, I work in a large local shipyard with around 10k employees, so yes the odds of that are probably relatively high....  but sheesh, I don't need another baby-daddy I work with, okay?  Needless to say, one of them I know personally and have worked in the same office with him.  Can we say Monday morning humiliation?  Fortunately I didn't run into him, but he sent me a wink, so I know he saw my profile on there!!!  UGH, I just can't catch a break.  Yard birds foreverrrrrrrrr!!!!

Damn I'm a classy dame.  Expect to see pics of me in about a year that resemble this one (yes that's actually me):

TOTALLY KIDDING BTW.  No more sweety-sweetums ruggy rats for me.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

The ultra rude laundry HOGS

So yes, I live in an apartment...  Yes, I have to do laundry in the apartment's laundry room...  And yes, I procrastinate on doing my laundry partly because I just don't have a lot of time and partly because well, it rains a lot in Washington and I don't really ENJOY going outside and walking up the muddy hill to the damn laundry room!!  So sue me!  But tonight, of all nights, when I really need the laundry room to be free... some asswipe has hogged EVERY SINGLE WASHING MACHINE and EVERY SINGLE DRYER.  I am not a happy camper.  I think that this RUDE person, or persons should have to drive to Walmarche and buy me a fresh pack of underwear since it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to wash my own tonight!!  And then, after they do that, THEY should have to stay up all night long and do my stinking, kid clothes with extra food on them laundry, since I will not be able to stay awake long enough to get any of it done!  Yes, that's what I would like....  If I had a magic lamp and three wishes...  that would be one of my wishes...