Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Let's talk "Stalkers" and men in green tights

Okay, so there seems to be a point in every one's blog where they talk about Stalkers (Yes, I capitalized "Stalkers" on purpose).  I'm just sayin'...  I thought that today would be a good day for this discussion since I seem to have this habit of acquiring them.  Not the young cute type either...  If I had young and cute Stalkers, I really wouldn't be so concerned.  You're cute?  You're creepy?  Whatever.  It's not such a big deal, for whatever reason.  Even if a young person is a TOTAL CREEP, the stereotype is less harsh (Of course this is not based upon facts AT ALL.  I'm pretty sure that there are just as many young serial killers out there as there are old and creepy ones...).  But, do I get these kind of Stalkers? NO.  A BIG, FAT, RESOUNDING...  NO.  I seem to get the - I am an emotionally retarded 60+ year old man that cannot pick up on social cues kind of Stalker.  The type that totally misreads my polite "I feel sorry for you because you are so socially inept" conversation as "Oh God I love you..."

Now, granted, I am using the term "Stalker" very loosely here, but anyone that thinks a 29 year old female would be interested in a 60 year old with no money is just dreamin'.  And I'm no gold digger...  But sheesh, you gotta have something going for you if you're going to hit on me with THAT big of an age gap...

DON'T GET ME WRONG, I am not in the least bit flattered by this attention.  If anything, it is QUITE disconcerting, leaving me wondering, "What in the HELL did I say to give you THAT impression?!"  I am beginning to wonder if it is ME that is the social retard and cannot seem to communicate to certain people politeness, without giving the impression of "I really want your old and wrinkly body."  I would truly suck at being a waitress that knows how to get tips by flirting because I would just acquire Stalkers like flies on llama shit, and I wouldn't know what the hell to do about it.

Again, don't get me wrong... I want to find someone and grow old with them and all that happy horse shit just like everybody else.  I just don't want to have to wipe my husband's ass prematurely...  like in five to ten years kind of prematurely...  AGAIN, if I was say, Batman's wife and he tragically fell off the bat mobile backwards while goofing around with Robin in his gay-tights and became a paraplegic, I'm sure I would be happy to wipe his ass and brush his dentures, but it's just different when you already know you are signing up for this.  Am I way off base here?  Anyone?  I'm just sayin'... (and I have absolutely nothing against men that wear tights, especially green ones)

Honestly, the creepers that really get me, are the ones that are MARRIED.  I mean HELLO!  Get a grip dude! Not only do you own stocks in adult diaper companies, but you have baggage and you want me to help you cheat on your devoted old lady in your green tight-wearing fantasy.

Okay, okay so I will stop bashing on old and wrinkly, denture clacking, "I need my ass wiped for me in five years" men that hit on significantly younger women now...  But who do they think I am?  Anna Nicole Smith?  I'm not even blond...

I feel a CREEPER COMIC coming on...


  1. And to think Im only 5 years older than you and I get looked at similarly to the way you look at those 60 yr olds...sighs but I have a completely different take on stalkers. check out my thoughts at

  2. Hahaha, five years doesn't qualify as totally creepy. I will check it out! ;)