Sunday, June 19, 2011

I meant every word you wrote...

Dear Hallmark,

Thank you for creating this wonderfully awkward holiday where you have caused Americans to feel the need to purchase your witty cards that say things like "Happy Father's Day Old Fart" and "Way to go Daddio!" and all that cheesy shit.  Cause we all know, when we receive a card like that, it's really, REALLY sincere and straight from the heart.  I meant every word in the card you wrote.  What I would like to see is a card for my drunk uncle that says something like this:

"Hey Unc, so glad you were there for me all those years!  Love ya to pieces!  P.S. I really hope you enjoyed your breakfast Budweiser!  And be glad you didn't even come to my wedding, I got divorced anyways! (although you wouldn't have enjoyed it, since it was a 'dry' wedding).  Happy Father's Day!" 

I think we should all celebrate our dysfunction and just embrace it!

Okay, so don't get me wrong, Hallmark...  I appreciate my Dad more than anything in the world.  He's kind of a big deal.  What I can't stand is the rest of the family...  Well...  a few of them anyways...

Because of you, Gramps decided to get all the "kids" together this year on Father's Day.  Dad is one of four "kids" who are actually all just crazy dysFUNctional adults now (you can make the assumption that I'm not including my Dad in that generalization) and of course we had a big ol' barbecue like good ol' Washingtonians like to do...  even when it's cold and rainy...  cause when ELSE would we do it?  I really think you should make a card about that too, by the way.  It could be a 25 pack of invitations that read something like, "Come have some fun...  in our house..."  It's just a suggestion for marketing to the rainy-summer states.

So there we were, all packed in the house hogging down on some burgers like good and well trained Americans.  My drunk unc showed up, whom I haven't seen in about 5 years.  He looks like a bloated red-faced baboon (it's the beer...).  Naturally, he didn't even acknowledge me when I answered the door.  He probably didn't know who I was...  (Maybe you could make a card for that too, like "Hey I can't remember who you are, but thanks for letting us in, best wishes.")  And two of his kids came along, who never speak to me, and I actually had deleted from my facebook page not too long ago because I'm pretty sure they don't remember who I am anymore either.  I admit, it was a PETTY and passive aggressive thing to do, and obviously I was not above that.

Gotta love the joys of awkward holidays that you have created for us...  and of course, the old baby pictures had to come out.  I was saved by the need to go and pick up my daughter, however, so I simply ducked out the door after saying good-bye to my Dad.  Everyone else was busy with the baby pictures... Maybe I could have left some balloons for everyone in the shape of letters that spelled, "Too awkward to say Good-bye."  I'm just sayin...

So thank you for the holiday that reminds me that my Dad is pretty awesome, and that the rest of my family...  doesn't really remember who I am...



  1. I have been just as petty on Facebook...when my ex broke up with me after using me to get her former husband back I had the audacity to stop being her friend on it...
    As to the greeting card idea...I love it!! Maybe they could make one that says "Uncle Milty, I wrecked your porsche and blamed it on your daughter. Then I accidentally set your house on fire. Happy Kwanza"

  2. LMAO!! I love it! Yeah I actually routinely delete people. I mean, just the ones I knew from high school or something and never talk to anyways, but I have been known to do it just because I felt like it... LOL. Poor Uncle Milty... ;)

  3. i like buying gift cards that have inappropriate messages ( well as inappropriate as like target or where ever makes) like happy kwanza for my redneck friends and family or merry christmas for my kosher friends...or i just ran ur cat over and then sold it to the chinese restaurant to use in the chicken recipes for PETA. it always makes me smile

  4. HAhahahahahaa... so sick, and yet... SO funny!